the opposite of who i am.
sometimes i dont want to go to
all the social things
and be loud and friendly
and create conversation with everyone in sight
and make the best out of every situation.
and be a leader on all of these leadership teams.
sometimes i dont want to do wesley leadership.
or foundation leadership.
sometimes i want to be completley honest
with people.
even if it makes them uncomfortable.
even if it makes them mad.
sometimes i want to leave social events early.
just to slip away and be far from everyone.
to have time for myself.
to do things i really enjoy.
sometimes, the opposite of me
would turn up the music as loud as it goes
in my apartment
and not think twice of how rude
that might be to my neighbors
who live above and below me.
but instead i keep the music
at a reasonable level,
and am very cautious of my actions
lest i make neightbors angry.
the opposite me would
go and paint things on buildings.
not rude or obscene things,
but lovely, powerful,
eye opening things.
things i think are beautiful.
but of course, law abidingly, i stick to canvases.
or lately, poster board.
the opposite me
would be upfront with everyone who
irritaes me.
and upfront with everyone who has ever hurt me.
and roll my eyes any time i want to.
and not care if anyone sees.
but i shrug things off, and keep going.
the opposite me would call people out
on their bull crap.
and would desire to be called out
on my bull crap.
but instead i look the other way
when shady things happen
and i expect others to look the other way
if i am ever out of line.
i intend to slink away in the shadows
and expect everyone else to let me.
the opposite me wouldnt think twice about
who i date. or the person i will end up with.
she would just date fearlessly and flawlessly.
and of course,i dont do any of that.
the opposite me would speak french
and demand that people listen to her.
but, my eyes are downcast when i use my french
i am timid and afraid of messing up.
the opposite me
would know what she wants out of
life
love
family
work
the world.
and do i know anything?
do i need to even answer that question?
the opposite me
would pick up a guitar and
remember everything she learned
when she used to take lessons,
and build on all of that
old knowledge
and build her skill.
i, however, cannot.
the opposite me would
throw herself at the foot of the cross
and beg for forgiveness
and guidence and mercy and grace and direction
every minute of every day.
i, of course, struggle with daily quiet times.
the opposite me would yell, so loud,
at anyone who has double crossed her.
anyone who has cheated her.
anyone who has made her blood boil.
she would say exactly how it made her feel
and she would not have any hesitations
in confontations of the like.
but i tend to scream into pillows
when things get to be too much.
the opposite me would go after
everything she has ever wanted.
and she would know the exact ways of doing it.
i dont know what i want.
much less how to get it.
the opposite me would
quit school.
and get the life
she knew she would always have.
or she would at least have the guts
to go to med school.
i would never quit school
and most certainly never go near
maths and sciences. ew.
the opposite me has more guts.
the opposite me is more driven.
she is more bold.
i am a little more scared,
a little less focused,
and not as gutsy.
i lack a lot of things, yes.
but i am learning.
i dont know what the big picture is
but i know how to take baby steps.
maybe thats what we are all striving towards?
the things about ourselves that we want,
but think are out of reach?
maybe, while living in Christ's freedom,
we can see that with His strength,
all things are possible?
maybe its possible to be that person
we long for and desire to be.
maybe through the mistakes we make
and the lessons we learn
through those mistakes,
and clinging to the Lord
we can inch a little bit closer
to the person we desire to be.
the more gutsty, i-can-walk-through-fire,driven person
who demands to be heard.
maybe?
